You've got to accentuate the positive

Eliminate the negative

Latch on to the affirmative

Don't mess with Mr. In-Between

~Johnny Mercer

Last summer saw men in the back nine of their lives strutting their stuff for all the single (and not so single) ladies out there. But this summer has men asking, what do I need to do to get my toes sucked in style? So, while everyone else is busy wrapping their head around the fact that those who wear maid outfits rarely give good political takes—and on-camera pundits, supposedly among the most elite dreamboats, regularly underperform in our freakosystem—I’m bringing you all the hard-to-find couture to wrap your special someone up in as they take those little piggies to market in Slobber City. Move over SideBooby Spring. It’s Sex Tape Summer.

Before we start, here’s a 15-minute teaser for a very paywalled episode of The Ancient Problemz Blahcast with

Emergency Gay Home Movie Episode w/ Bimbo Übermensch

Ancient Problemz and Bimbo Ubermensch

·

Jun 3

Emergency Blahcast with Bimbo Ubermensch on the Glenn Greenwald affair and the take-slop cycle.

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Don’t mess with Mr. In-Between

When roleplaying, you need to make decisions early on. The first decision you’ll need to make comes down to budget. Rather than surfing the distance between high price and low price, you’ll want to commit to a budget first and optimize quality secondarily, as navigating the middle means you’ll get the worst of both worlds, something that costs too much and titillates too little.

I’m oversimplifying here but lessons should be exaggerated so that they underscore the wisdom they aim to impart: Lingerie should cost $10 or north of $100. Almost everything else is overpriced plastic. While this guide is supposed to help guys buy women and journalists lingerie, it will also help the ever-eager go-getter woman/journalist know what to wear for occasions that matter.

Whether going full keto or just noshing on bunion, you’ll want to look cute as we slide into frosé season.

Shape

There are perfect bodies but no perfect clothes; only outfits that flatter her figure and ones that don’t. While assless chaps may come in and out of fashion, barring commissioning a stellar trainer such as myself or a butt-butcher working out of a van in Opa Locka, it would be best to ignore the caprices of seasonal fashion trends and focus on fitting her body, which hopefully doesn’t change too much and never gets gross or bloated.

But fear not. If her body isn’t looking exactly as you like, it’s normal. She should both work on it and accept that it is where it is. What you don’t want her to do is fall victim to just pretending it looks good in something it doesn’t but you also don’t want her to wear clothes that look like they’re specially designed for people who have anxiety about their bodies. Yes, men can be choosy too and while we can enjoy a big girl, it’s hard to enjoy a big girl who seems self-conscious about her weight as very few men can maintain an erection after seeing Snackwells and Dexatrim lodged under her mattress.

To address this to the ladies directly: You don’t want to be going to the beach in butt-floss if you look more like a medical biller than a bunny, but you also don’t want to be walking out in a swim skirt and floaties if you can avoid it.

Accentuate the positives

Like wearing any outfit, the name of the game is to highlight your strong suits and diminish your weak ones. As a caveat, I will take an approach assuming that butts and boobs are like pizza. Even when they’re not that good, they’re still better than a really good knee cap.

Small/flat butt girls

If your girl has a particularly small or flat ass you should invest in Los Angeles/American Apparel-style socks that go all the way up just below her cheeks. Now, this is not to say that girls with big butts can’t benefit from the thigh high look; but ultra-tall elevator socks can lift a flat butt and intensify the contrast of whatever curves you got. The whole stocking-garter complex also works great but is going to be more work putting on and offer less plausible deniability if either of you are trying to pretend the clothes fulfill a purpose unrelated to sex.

Small booby/flat-chested ladies

As

While I don’t want to step on Mr. Cheirophilus’ toes and plagiarize too much of his piece, I’ll just say that describing breasts as “large” is usually a way of complimenting them but many large boobs are obviously gross and weird or belong to gross/weird ladies, which is to say that describing boobs as big is kind of like describing a steak as big; it doesn’t really tell you if any of it’s fun to put in your mouth or not. Cheirophilus takes the wise route and focuses his gaze on the hang and proportions of each breast to itself. In keeping with this, the trick to enhancing small boobs with lingerie is not to make them look bigger but to frame the entire body so that it looks more proportionate, despite skewing into top- or bottom- heavy archetypes. No one is expecting you to change the length of your femurs, just which clothes you slip them in.

Long legs vs. long torso

High-waisted underwear/bottoms are basically never attractive unless they are part of a stringy thing that rides really high over the hips and then basically disappears.

Ladies: If you are wearing anything that resembles the way mom-jeans frame a pussy, you’ll be lucky if your man looks you in the eye before leaving you after the sex he’s about to have with you. Furthermore, the high-waisted thing counterintuitively looks bad on women with high waists/short torsos and should basically be thought of as an item for women with long, beach-volleyball torsos if at all.

You read it here first: Girls with long torsos can basically do what they want. The next section is for girls with thick stomachs.

Diminish the vagomach

To that end, if you are or are having sex with a sufficiently chunky lady (journalists pay attention), you’ll you want to cover that gut up with some tarp. Men use BBQ stains and happy trails, but women are best served with slips (maids) and robes (MILFS) under which they can sport more interesting attire or none at all. Alternative options include bodysuits and basically any other variety of garment that covers your tumtum all the way down. If you have a prominent stomach, you’ll want to make sure you cover it and stay away from the lacy doily stuff. If you have sick abs, you can pour Alizé down them or whatever.

Fabric

Ideally you get something high quality especially if you decide to spend some bucks here. But there’s no shame in a little fast fashion brought in from The Orient. After all, how dressed up does a girl need to get to slob a little tootsie? Maybe one of those tattered GTA numbers can serve as a welcome vacation from high-end brands competing with one’s rent and treats fund.

Finding the right size

I’ll just come out and say it. Sizing is a shit show. If you do this part right, the majority of the domination ritual involves you making her return the items you got her so that you can send them back for a store credit. This and the part where she wears the eventual size that fits her are the parts where he dominates her. On the flipside, he then gets to eat international shipping charges and buy her an obligatory matcha (Lady’s Rite as both talent and chauffeur) until you can collectively get it right or have a domestic dispute.

And while all of this should serve as a basic starting point for what to look for and how much to spend, I want to take a moment to reflect not only on what Glenn Greenwald can teach us about fashion but what fashion can teach us about Glenn Greenwald.

Working with your proportions

Whether you know it or not, people are basically reacting to you through a combination of their disposition and what they perceive to be your totality. That is to say, they are grading you on the overall balance of things they know and notice about you. If you are always walking around with your tits half-exposed, don’t be surprised when people think you are trying to show them off.

When I think about Glenn Greenwald, he never has his tits out. I don’t think about what he does in the bedroom, what he feeds his kids for dinner, or how he spends his disposable income. I think of a guy who has helped to expose all manner of government secret, a guy who (like myself) raises many animals, and who uses his talents to say what he thinks needs to be said. His ratio of good to bad is so far above mine that it seems fucked up for me to inveigh against a few minutes of footage that seems to have no bearing on the ways he’s historically mattered to me.

As I say in Three Uncomfortable Truths, “Hypocrisy should be avoided; yet you should increase your budget for it.” As of writing this, Glenn has plenty of social capital to spend and his war chest is strong. I hope he’s able to get back to business soon.

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Three Uncomfortable Truths

Ancient Problemz

·

May 20, 2024

"The one thing I know, everyone respects the true person and everyone's not true with themselves. All of these people who are heroes, these guys who have been lily white and clean all their lives, if they went through what I went through, they would commit suicide. They don't have the heart that I have. I've lived places they can't defecate in."

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